Au Natural
by SingBenihime
Summary: Head Captain Commander Yamamoto orders a charity day in order to raise money for Rukongai. The catch? Every Captain has to spend the day without styling their hair or wearing any accessories - they have to be completely natural. Some swearing. Crack.
1. Chapter 1

Au Natural

"I refuse," said Mayuri angrily, staring at the Captain Commander incredulously. "I absolutely refuse."

"Kurotsuchi-taichou, are you going against my orders?" replied Yamamoto in a dangerously low tone, his aged eyes narrowed. Mayuri opened his mouth to reply, but then seemed to think the better of it, and shut it promptly.

Ukitake looked anxiously at Mayuri, who was scowling ferociously, and cleared his throat. "Urm, Soutaichou, don't you really think that there's people in here who have a reason to not look natural?" He grinned at Mayuri encouragingly, for he had thought he was helping, but the 12th squad Captain looked insulted at being called not natural. In fact, he was positively fuming.

"Urm, I mean…who choose to alter their appearance to fit their own desires," corrected Ukitake hurriedly, "Don't we all have a free will? Should that free will be taken away or forced upon us to change it?"

"Ukitake, although you are being kind, do not make things more complicated with your blabbering nonsense." Yamamoto said sternly.

"I'll be quiet." Ukitake murmured timidly.

"As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted by Kurotsuchi-taichou," continued Yamamoto, looking at all the Gotei 13 leaders thoroughly, "Tomorrow, all you Captain's will be rid of any accessories, you shall not style your hair, and you will appear at tomorrows meeting looking completely natural."

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "I cannot take my hair accessories out or my scarf off. It's tradition. They're Kuchiki heirlooms. I have to wear them."

"I have already spoken to the Kuchiki adviser. He thinks it will be good to mingle with the 'commoners'. There shall be no more questions." Yamamoto replied, looking slightly smug. Byakuya visibly scowled.

"Wait, so does that mean I can't wear my hat and haori?" said Shunsui, horrified. Yamamoto nodded. The pink-clad Captain whined dejectedly and placed his head in his hands in despair.

"I respect your wishes, Genryuusai-dono, but does this mean I won't be able to wear my shoulder armour?" said Komamura, his whiskers twitching uncertainly. Again, Yamamoto nodded. Komamura growled quietly, but didn't say anything else.

Kenpachi looked completely nonplussed. "Hey, old man, I thought I had to keep my eyepatch on. It's the only thing that keeps my reiatsu from killing everyone."

"You are allowed to keep that on…"

Kenpachi grinned proudly. Everyone else started muttering amongst themselves, saying it was unfair.

"…but you are to take your hair down from those ridiculous spikes and take off those jingly bells," finished Yamamoto.

Kenpachi scowled.

"I want you all here tomorrow, looking completely natural. And remember: it's to raise charity for Rukongai." Yamamoto reminded everyone, before banging his staff on the floor once to signify the meeting over. Grumbling, all of the Captains left the room.

The old man smirked; his game was working. Now he just had to wait for the outcome.


	2. Chapter 2

1ST DIVISION

"Aren't you included in this 'Au Natural' day, Soutaichou?" asked Sasakibe, as he placed a steaming cup of tea onto his Captain's desk. Yamamoto pick up his drink and took a gulp, feeling refreshed at the boiling water (being the wielder of the strongest fire-type and the most destructive zanpakuto). He shook his head and put his cup back down. "No. I will merely watch from the sidelines and prepare to be humoured." he said, smiling slightly. Sasakibe blinked, but didn't question his Captain.

2ND DIVISION

"Taichou? Where's your braid extensions and hoops?" exclaimed Omoeda disbelievingly, looking at his petite Captain's short, ruffled hair in shock. The 2nd Captain's hand shot out and punched her large lieutenant in his stomach.

"It's Au Natural day. We Captain's have to go natural for a charity event," said Soi Fon, obviously irritated, as she watched her subordinate wriggle around and clutch his belly with eagle-eyes. Omoeda's face betrayed his shock, but he said nothing and merely nodded, not wanting to add injury to his already bruised body.

Soi Fon marched outside, declaring that she was going to a Captain's meeting, and that Omoeda "…had better not eat any of those boxes of pocky that I've saved for Yoruichi-sama!"

"You always go on about that cat-lady. It's like you're in love with her…" muttered Omoeda glumly.

"I HEARD THAT!"

3RD DIVISION

4TH DIVISION

Unohana hummed quietly as she grabbed a hairband and prepared to tie up her long black hair in its usual plait down her front. Just as she had separated her hair into three thick strands, she paused.

'Oh yes. It's Au Natural day,' she thought, as she placed the hairband delicately on her desk and ran her hands through her wavy, waist-length locks. 'But what if my hair gets in the way of my work? What if I get hair on someone? What if it goes into their wound?" She gasped. "What if it falls into some person's heart while I'm doing surgery? AHHHH!'

She began pacing back and forth, her hair swinging behind her like a cape. Eventually, she sighed worriedly and went through to the 4th main hospital room to check up on her current patients before heading to the Captain's meeting, hoping to God that her hair wouldn't kill them.

5TH DIVISION

6TH DIVISION

Three white hair ornamental pieces lay on a table in front of a mirror. Byakuya Kuchiki narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists to prevent himself from grabbing them and shoving them in his shoulder-length, raven hair. He was so desperate for the rare Kuchiki heirlooms that signified his noble birth that his bottom lip was trembling in sheer effort to keep himself from crying.

Yes, he was that desperate.

"Taichou! Are you ready yet?" called the 6th squad lieutenant, Renji Abarai. Byakuya gave his kenseikens and gloves one last longing look, before walking briskly towards the door. However, another noble Kuchiki accessory draped across a table was right in his path. Byakuya froze. It was his scarf.

"No…I can't do this…I can't leave my scarf…it's been in my family for generations…I'd be dishonouring my family…" murmured Byakuya, horrified. His hands flew up to his head and he yanked at his hair, now yelling "I CAN'T LEAVE MY BABY!"

Renji paused outside the door, his eyes as wide as saucers. Softly, quietly, as silent as possible so as not to disturb his Captain while he throws his hissy fit, the red-haired lieutenant slowly walked backwards…and then made a run for it.

God knows what Byakuya Kuchiki would do during a tantrum.

7TH DIVISION

His whiskers twitching rapidly, Komamura stared at his lieutenant, Iba Tetsuzaemon, who was staring straight back at him.

"Is something wrong, Iba?" questioned Komamura, glad that his deep voice could hide his nervousness.

"No, taichou! Nothing! Nothing at all!" replied Iba quickly, throwing his body down in a low bow. "I-I was only wondering wh-what happened to your, urm…shoulder armour and gloves…"

Komamura growled. "Genryuusai-dono ordered a charity day to raise money for Rukongai, which I agree with. The thing I do not agree with is the Au Natural theme. Which means no shoulder armour, or gloves. Or helmet."

"But, I thought you didn't wear your helmet anymore, taichou?"

"There comes a time and a place for everything, Iba. Especially when someone buys you dog treats and you have nowhere to put them." Komamura said evenly, before briskly walking out, ready to brave whatever came at him.

'Especially when someone buys you dog treats and you have nowhere to put them…' Iba shuddered. His Captain puts dog treats in his helmet for safe keeping. Which means that he actually enjoys dog treats. Like a dog. Like a sissy. His Captain is secretly a sissy.

That affects Iba's manliness. It really does.

8TH DIVISION

"NOOOO! NANAO-CHAN! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO THIS!"

"Captain! Just leave them! They'll be fine! And when will you heed my warnings that one of these days our squad is going to see one of these childish tantrums of yours."

"DON'T TELL ME OFF IN MY TIME OF NEED, NANAO-CHAN!"

"Get off me!"

"But I need your reassurance, Nanao-chan! I don't think I can get through the day without my coat and hat and hairband! But if I have a small, tiny, weensy kiss from my lovely Nanao-chan, I'm sure that'll make things much bet-!"

WHAM!

"OWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Kyoraku-taichou, just get your ass to the Captain's meeting now."

Shunsui squirmed on the floor, trying to snatch his coat, hat and hairband back from his stern lieutenant with outstretched hands. Nanao merely whacked him over the head again, pinched his ear and, ignoring his protests that he was the Captain, "And should be making the orders!", dragged him to the Captain's meeting, throwing his beloved accessories to the side in the process.

"!"

9TH DIVISION

10TH DIVISION

Hitsugaya picked up the small tub mournfully and read its label once more: 'Cloud and Sora's Super Shiny Gravity-Defying Concrete Hair Gel – because you're worth it'.

"Damnit," he muttered, "Without this, my hair is all greasy and floppy. I can't fight with hair flopping in my eyes! Plus even Matsumoto said I looked cut- I mean, cool with my hair spiked up. And now everyone's going to know and…oh God…" He froze, stricken. "Ukitake's gonna torture me with the shirou stuff even more now my fringe, or strands, are as long as his!" He sighed and started breathing slowly, trying to calm himself. "But no, I have to do this. For the good of Rukongai, and for the good of my unburnt butt (which will be frazzled if the Soutaichou ever gets his hands on me for not taking part in the charity event). DAMNIT!"

He angrily threw the tub of gel across the room and winced when it hit Matsumoto, who had just popped her head round the door to tell him…well, nothing now. The 10th lieutenant put a hand up to her forehead, feeling the slowly-growing lump, and dropped to the floor with a loud bang.

"I'll just tell her she got drunk again last night, and that's she has a pounding headache," said Hitsugaya thoughtfully. His face grew dark and evil. "Yes…YES! BWAHAHHA! AND THAT'LL TEACH HER A LESSON ABOUT GETTING DRUNK ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

And with that happy thought, he skipped out of the room, unaware of his disgustingly greasy hair.

11TH DIVISION

Water gushed out over the side of the bath as Kenpachi Zaraki lifted his head up out of the water. He reached for the soap, which he usually used to mould his spikes into place ('Instead of that crappy, girly shampoo the 1st Division lieutenant twit, Sasakibe Chojiro, gave to me,' thought Kenpachi angrily). He paused, and then shrugged as he remembered the whole 'Au Natural' shit.

"It'll feel weird not having my hair up in spikes, but whatever."

Kenpachi rose up out of the bathtub, making more water slosh out onto the already soaked floor, and grabbed a towel. He put it around himself and walked off to his room, where he promptly got dressed. As he was throwing on his tattered Captain's haori, he plopped down on the cushion in front of his mirror and table. He glanced at the black leather collar that he usually wore around his neck, and waved it away guiltily. He then reached for the awesome bells that were lying in wait to go in his awesome hair…but he remembered that 'Au Natural' bullshit again.

"FUCK!" he yelled furiously, "I CAN'T GO WITHOUT MY BELLS!"

He gazed lovingly at the golden jangly balls, as memories flooded into his mind - memories of the bells helping his battles be longer, dragging out the fun and making him laugh with glee; memories of him skipping through cornfields, the sun shining brightly, in no need of music when he had the entrancing, jingling bells atop his head...

Kenpachi sighed. He looked around quickly to check if there was anyone there, and then bent his head and picked up one of the bells with his forefinger. He kissed it and whispered "Goodbye for today, my little bell." He then did the same to all of the other shiny, amazingly bloodstained balls, totally unaware of the small, pink-haired girl goggling at him through the window, whispering incredulously "Ken-chan's a poofter!"

12TH DIVISION

"Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous!" spat Mayuri, twirling his pot of black face paint around forcedly. He looked at his other pot of white face paint, then at his bizarre sideways hat, then at his purple cushiony scarf, and finally at his golden ear things.

"Nemu!" shouted Mayuri, spinning around in his chair to face his obedient lieutenant/daughter, "Put all of my prized accessories in that vault I made last night."

Nemu bowed and meekly said "Yes, Mayuri-sama."

Mayuri scowled, as he watched the girl gather his things neatly and vigilantly. "And for the King's sake, be careful with them, you insolent brat!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

The 12th Captain narrowed his orange eyes and ran a perfectly ordinary tanned hand through his perfectly ordinary blue hair. He gave a small 'tsk' of annoyance and stood up. He paced back and forth, twiddling his thumbs, and muttering "I can't believe this. I've shielded my true face and hair for a long time so as not to have all of those stupid girls following me, and now I have to show my facial features again! Preposterous! Monstrous, I say! The Soutaichou will be as angry as I am when a load of audacious females troop into his Captain's meeting! Atrocious!"

And with his little speech over and done with, Mayuri picked up his electrified prodding stick (so as to prod away any overenthusiastic fangirls), improved his scowl to a ferocious frown, and marched out of the room.

13TH DIVISION

Ukitake stood still, fully dressed, yet not fully awake. In fact, his tiredness is what had made him so confused at this precise moment.

"Is wiping blood away from my mouth going away from the Au Natural look?" he murmured, totally and utterly perplexed. He growled, frustrated at the vague rules that the Captain Commander had made up and at his annoying illness, and pulled at his waist-length, white hair. "CURSE YOU, TUBERCOLOSIS!"

He paused. "But wait…maybe I can pull this off, even if keeping blood on my face is natural. Maybe I can just…urm…twist the rules slightly…" He grinned evilly and sat down quickly. He grabbed a pen, dipped it in an inkwell and started writing down ideas.

'If I make a hotdog with LOTS of ketchup and walk into the Captains meeting room, I could pretend that the blood on my mouth is actually ketchup, and therefore wipe off both blood and ketchup, hiding the fact that I had blood on my mouth. AND I can quench my appetite, since I woke up so late and don't have time for breakfast! Perfect. PERFECT!' thought Ukitake, as he quickly scribbled down what he had just thought of. He smirked, rolled up the parchment and stuffed it in his pocket, before standing up and walking off to the nearest hotdog stand.


	3. Chapter 3

Yamamoto looked at the clock on his mantelpiece: 9:55am; just five minutes until the Captain's meeting. The old Soutaichou slung his haori over his broad shoulders, grabbed his sealed zanpakuto, and slowly walked to the meeting room, which was a few rooms down, smirking.

Komamura and Soi Fon arrived first (having had no hissy fits, no patients to check up on, no saying goodbye to their accessories, or no trips to a food stand).

"No armour today, 7th Squad Captain?" asked Soi Fon, looking the fox Captain up and down.

"No," replied Komamura. He glanced at the 2nd Squad Captain's tousled hair. "No extensions or hoops today, Soi Fon-taichou?"

"No."

And with that small talk done, they proceeded to stand in their places and wait in silence. That is, until they heard two people shouting outside the door.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA!"

"It's not a question of whether you don't want to. You have to go, taichou."

"BUT THEY'LL LAUGH AT ME!"

"No they won't."

"PLEASE, NANAO-CHAN! I'M BEGGING YOU!"

"Get your lazy, good-for-nothing ass in there now, taichou!"

The doors opened and Shunsui Kyoraku stumbled in, slightly deteriorated from his hangover. No hat was seen on his head, or his flowery pink coat on his shoulders. His waist-length, curly brown hair flew around him like reiatsu.

"NO! WAIT! NANAO-CHAAAAAAAAAAN!" he shouted, as the doors promptly shut with a loud bang. He clawed at the wood and attempted to pull it open, but, alas, Nanao Ise had locked it and was obviously waiting outside, ready to capture him should he do any sort of desperate escape.

Shunsui turned his head around and grinned sheepishly at the two other Captains. "Yo!"

Soi Fon nodded in reply, her eyes taking in every strange new inch of the usually pink-clad man's body. Shunsui noticed this and emitted a strange, perverted growl, while winking sexily.

"Kyoraku-taichou, I sincerely hope, for your sake, you are not eying me up," said Soi Fon, her tone dangerously low.

Shunsui laughed. "No, my dear Soi Fon, it was you who was eying me up."

"You should watch your tongue, Captain of the 8th Divisi-…"

"Stop this childish arguing. You are both Captains, and should behave as such," interrupted Komamura. Soi Fon narrowed her eyes and turned away, while Shunsui merely chuckled and walked to his place, saying "Yes, sir!"

And again, silence reigned upon the seemingly desolate room (with the exception of a few whimpers from Shunsui, who was mourning his beloved accessories and his 'broken love' with Soi Fon).

Hitsugaya arrived next, in all his glory of greasy, floppy hair. In fact, his usually white hair had turned a sort of mouldy whitey-grey now. All eyes were upon him as he happily strutted into the room.

"What?" he asked quizzically. He had totally forgotten about his horrible hair in his thoughts about teaching his loudmouthed lieutenant not to drink anymore.

Shunsui snickered. "Nice hair."

"Uhh…" Hitsugaya faltered for a second, before remembering his disgustingly greasy hair.

'I need a comeback. NOW!' he thought desperately. He readied himself for some poisonous words to appear on his sharp tongue, and took a deep breath.

"Same to you, Jesus!"

Everybody paused.

"I don't like you…" growled Shunsui, his eyes narrowed. Hitsugaya swallowed; this was one of Yamamoto-soutaichou's personally trained students!

Shunsui suddenly gave a bark-like laugh. "Just joshing with ya', Toshiro-kun! That was quite a comeback!"

Hitsugaya sighed in relief as he felt the 8th Squad Captain's big hand clamp on his shoulder comfortingly and heard his gleeful laugh. But when Shunsui paused and looked to the door questioningly, Hitsugaya held his breath once more.

"Come in, Kurotsuchi-taichou!" called Shunsui, a goofy grin spreading over his face in replacement of his laugh. The other three Captains looked towards the door too, as it slowly, cautiously opened. All of a sudden, the squeals of hundreds of girls echoed throughout the building, and Mayuri burst through the door and slammed it into a shocked Nanao's face.

"What are you staring at, you fools?" snapped Mayuri, noticing that all of the Captain's eyes were on him.

"Wow, Kurotsuchi-kun, the girls sure like you," teased Shunsui, wiggling his eyebrows knowingly. But with a swift, death-promising glare from the 12th Captain, he shut up pretty quickly.

"Now this is why I don't like going out in public like _this_!" muttered Mayuri, gesturing frantically with his hands to his blue hair and tanned face.

"Don't forget your awesomely battle-scarred body," added Shunsui, unhelpfully.

Soi Fon looked at Mayuri's upper chest with wide-eyes, and spluttered out, in what she hoped was a sharp tone of voice, "Not battle-scarred. More like experiment-scarred."

"Precisely!" cried Mayuri, waving his hand towards Soi Fon. "My point exactly! Shouldn't these rabid females notice I'm more interested in _science_ than in them! Why would I want those disgustingly horrid women?"

Shunsui grinned. "Oho, so I see where your interests lie…"

"I know what you're going to say, you stupid moron! I AM NOT GAY!" screeched Mayuri, now positively fuming.

"I don't care. Just stop your girly screaming," snarled Kenpachi, as he entered the room.

Mayuri glanced at him and scowled. "Are you indicating I'm homosexual too? Because, coming from a man who wears feminine BELLS in his hair, you're not all that heterosexual either!"

"I'm not wearing bells in my hair right now, nor am I in love with those 'girly' things; they're just to help my opponent, so my battles can last longer. So quit your blabbering nonsense."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT KEN-CHAN SAID TO HIS JINGLYS THIS MORNING!" squealed Yachiru, jumping through the open window onto Kenny's back.

Now, this caused a lot of confusion. 'Jinglys', I mean. Some might interpret this as his bells, knowing Yachiru's obsession with giving nick-names to everything and everyone. Yet, others might interpret it as…well; replace the 'e' with an 'a' in bells.

And one of those 'others' was Shunsui Kyoraku.

"You said you loved your jinglys, eh?" he said, winking. "Can't blame you, mate."

Kenny's mouth dropped open. After a few seconds to digest this information, he grabbed Yachiru and threw her out of the window, yelling "GO AWAY, YOU LITTLE SNOT!"

"Whatever, Ken-chan! I know alllllllllllllllllll!" shrieked Yachiru, as she landed lightly on her feet and skipped away happily.

Everybody looked at Kenpachi, who flushed slightly and turned away, cursing his little, talkative lieutenant.

"What is going on here?"

Komamura looked towards the door and bowed his head in greeting. "Good morning, Unohana-taichou. I see you did away with your beard…uh, plait."

"Yes, although I am worried about my long hair disrupting my work," replied Unohana calmly, as though she had never noticed the whole beard comment (even though she did give Komamura a very scary smile). She walked to her place and looked around, before saying kindly "Everyone looks lovely."

"I agree," commented Yamamoto, as he walked briskly to his chair, bowing his head so that his small smirk wasn't seen.

"Genryuusai-dono!" barked Komamura, bowing low. Yamamoto gave his loyal subordinate a quick nod and sat down. He looked around, narrowed his eyes and asked "Where's Kuchiki-taichou and Ukitake-taichou?"

"I'm not sure, sir. Maybe Ukitake's taken ill again?" suggested Soi Fon.

Kenpachi regained his usual grin. "And maybe Kuchiki is too stuck up his own ass to come to a meeting without his Kuchiki heirlooms."

"Or maybe Kuchiki was simply late after having to sort out an affair between the Four Noble Families," stated Byakuya, as he entered the room and calmly walked to his place in the lines. Kenpachi look startled for a second, before melting his expression back into a smirk. "I see you've ditched the posh scarf, gloves and kenseikens,' he said teasingly.

Byakuya looked away (so as to prevent the rest of the Captains from seeing the tears in his eyes), and simply replied "Yes."

Hitsugaya suddenly spoke up, after being quiet for so long in case he offended Shunsui again or in case anyone said anything about his greasy hair, "What about Ukitake?"

"I'm here, Shirou-chan! Never fear!" panted said Captain, as he stumbled into the room, eating a hotdog that was absolutely oozing ketchup everywhere. He stared around at everyone's confused faces and grinned, making sure to hold back his coughs. He shoved the last half of his hotdog in his mouth with an emphasised "Om nom nom!" and started wiping away the ketchup - and blood - from his lips, mumbling, as though abashed (although inside he was jumping with joy at having completed his well concocted plan, 'That even Mayuri would have been proud of!' he thought excitedly), "Sorry I'm late…and have ketchup everywhere. Y'see, I got up late and ran here, stopping at a hotdog stand on the way to keep me energized for toda-…"

"That's fine, Ukitake. Just take your place," said Yamamoto sternly. Ukitake nodded, fastened a massive smile on his face, and stood in his place, trembling slightly with excitement (and attracting a lot of strange stares – especially from the ever-so-wary-of-the-whole-Shirou-chan-thing-and-now-this-ketchup-thing Hitsugaya).

"Right. Now that everyone's here," said Yamamoto in his usual dull fashion, pointedly looking at Byakuya, who was subtly wiping his eyes, and Ukitake, who was cheerfully sucking his ketchupy fingers, "I have to congratulate all of you on your diligence for Au Natural Day. I am very pleased with your efforts, and I'm sure the Rukongai citizens will be too."  
Silence. Reiatsu-flaring, I'm-going-to-kill-the-Soutaichou-any-second-now silence.

"Its good to know we're all happy," continued Yamamoto, a sly smile creeping up on his aged face.

And it was silence no more.

"Happy? HAPPY? I HAVE A HORDE OF FANGIRLS AFTER ME, AND YOU THINK I'M HAPPY?" screeched Mayuri, flailing his arms about indignantly.

"YAMA-JIIIIIIII! YOU STUPID, OR WHAT? GODDAMN, I'M NOT HAPPY! YOU HAD NANAO-CHAN TAKE AWAY MY COAT, HAT AAAAAND HAIRBAND!" cried Shunsui, dropping to the floor and folding his arms stubbornly, his eyebrows furrowed.

"If you think I am happy, Yamamoto-soutaichou, then you are gravely mistaken…" snarled Byakuya, his anger overtaking his woe for his precious Kuchiki heirlooms.

Soi Fon flicked her hair hopelessly. "Where's my braids and hoops, you ask? At home, with my fat lump of a lieutenant, all because of a freaking 'Au Natural' day! I'm not happy. I'm definitely not happy!"

"Not to dismiss your wishes, Genryuusai-dono, but I agree with Kuchiki-taichou that you are gravely mistaken if you think I'm happy. I feel defenceless and vulnerable without my armour!" growled Komamura, patting his shoulders sadly.

"Aww, boo-hoo!" muttered Kenpachi. He raised his voice to a shout, and shook his head back and forth angrily. "FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK I'M HAPPY! I MISS MY JINGL-err, BELLS! HOW AM I GOING TO DRAG ON FIGHTS TODAY? YOU TOOK AWAY MY FUN! AND MY FUCKING HAIR KEEPS GETTING IN MY FUCKING EYE, AND MY NECK FEELS BARE WITHOUT MY BLACK COLLAR!"

Unohana narrowed her eyes at the 11th Squad Captain's serious swearing, but nonetheless effortlessly raised her reiatsu enough to make even Kenpachi step backwards, and said in a dangerously sweet tone, "I am sure that it is inappropriate for a nurse to have loose hair dangling about everywhere. So I am _really _not happy, Soutaichou."

"MY HAIR'S ALL FLOPPY AND GREASY!" wailed Hitsugaya, his childish nature finally appearing. He ran to the wall nearest to him and started beating it with his small, though mighty, fists, and making huge dents in it.

Ukitake glanced around and felt slightly left out. So, abandoning his calm, peace-loving nature, he squared his shoulders, took a deep breath and shouted the first thing that came to his mind, with pausing. "I'M NOT HAPPY BECAUSE MY THROAT HURTS 'COS I COUGHED UP BLOOD THIS MORNING AND NOW I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LEFT OUT AND I HAD TO BUY A HOTDOG TO COVER THE BLOOD 'COS I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER KEEPING BLOOD ON MY MOUTH IS 'AU NATURAL' OR NOT!" And with that, he fainted, falling flat on his face.

Everybody blinked at the motionless 13th Division Captain on the floor, before turning back to Yamamoto and shouting at him.

The 1st Division Captain had finally had enough; this just wasn't funny anymore.

"Silence!" barked the old man sternly. When he realised he obviously wasn't going to be heard above the din, he raised his own croaky voice louder and shouted ferociously "BE QUIET, YOU MORONS!"

Every Captain in the room (except Ukitake, who was still knocked out) stopped yelling/beating the wall/screaming incomprehensibly/flicking their hair/raising their reiatsu/having a childish tantrum and looked angrily at Yamamoto, biting their lips to prevent themselves for speaking (for they were all scared of what the powerful Soutaichou would do to them if they did not obey his orders – possibly scorch their arses).

Yamamoto glared at them. "You are behaving like children. I merely complimented your looks, and you all started shouting like incompatible youngins! I am ashamed of you all, as should you be."

Komamura, Soi Fon, Hitsugaya, Unohana and Byakuya gazed down at the floor, as though it was the most interesting thing in the world, to get away from the Soutaichou's piercing gaze. Kenpachi grunted, but stood his ground, while Mayuri lowered his yells to mutterings and continued to insult the Soutaichou under his breath. Shunsui, being like a son to the old man, remained where he was, staring accusingly at Yamamoto, pouting hugely, crossing his arms and sitting stiffly on the floor. He blew a loud raspberry and narrowed his brown eyes, scrutinising the man who had Nanao take away all of his distinguishing trademark accessories.

"Shunsui, do not behave childishly. You are the worst of them all!" declared Yamamoto. He looks sideways at his other student, who was on the ground, finally conscious again, but coughing blood with a pathetic smile on his face. Ukitake gave a hopeful thumbs up and attempted a puppy-eye look to soften his sensei. Yamamoto blinked and said shortly "Except that silly rascal on the floor."

Ukitake's puppy-eye's turned to a crying face.

Komamura suddenly coughed, causing Ukitake to look at himself in alarm, wondering how the hell he had coughed without knowing he was going to. The fox-Captain looked up from the floor and muttered abashedly "I apologise, Genryuusai-dono." He growled and a light shone in his eye. "Although I do think that we should never, EVER do this again." He coughed again, presumably to clear his throat. "To keep the peace, I mean."

Ryuujin Jakka tapped on the floor repeatedly, its master looking deep in thought and thoroughly confused. Everyone's eye twitched at the irritating sound, but calmed themselves when they looked fearfully at the lethal zanpakuto and said nothing.

The old Soutaichou looked up, a puzzled expression etched upon his face. "So...it wasn't funny?"

Everyone blinked. Then scowled. Then flailed their arms.

"NO!"

All of a sudden, a sound that hadn't been heard in a millennium erupted. Everybody looked in awe at...at...

The Soutaichou collapsed in his chair, in fits of laughter, tears running down his crinkled face and being absorbed into his unnaturally long beard. "Clever, clever!"

The Captain's took one look at their supposed leader, felt his raging reiatsu, and made a swift escape. If the Soutaichou razed entire villages when he lost a board game, no-one would like to know what he would destroy when having a laughing fit.

And, to be honest, after that trick, who would want to be anywhere near the Soutaichou anyway?


End file.
